she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
ttyl tear gas
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
