I just threw up on my dentist
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
