My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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