My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
