Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
They took my balls.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
