oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
