Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
