An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
