They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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