Can Purell be used as lube?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
