I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
