party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
