new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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