Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
