What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
