I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
