How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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