Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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