Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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