Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
