i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
