I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
