don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
