Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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