so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
