Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
