I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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