i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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