I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We have so much sex to catch up on
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
