i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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