I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
