no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
