look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my being single is dangerous.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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