He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Randomize
