My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
