i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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