i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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