If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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