Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
