I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
