My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
