update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
