yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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