You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
