He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
