Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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