I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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