I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
