Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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