Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
