drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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