Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
