I will die if light touches me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
