Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
