There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
