Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
