I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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