forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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