If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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