they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize