I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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