The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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