i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
