I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
