I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
