Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
