god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
