They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
